If you are anybody that knows me, then you will realize what an outrageous thing this is for me. I vowed never to pitter out trash on the internet in the form of blogs, facebook, or myspace. Thus I will be very careful not to make this trashy. I intend the tell the whole truth, and hopefully will see the truth from different perspectives in the case that my perseption is entirely mistaken. I don't know how this works, or if anyboy will even read it. I figured it would be a whole lot cheaper than writing a book. I am saving that for some of my best works.
Might as well get started with it.
I am a mormon. Born and raised. On the surface my life may look like a dream come true - had even me fooled for a bit. But then again, I am the one who has to live the day by day. At first I thought everything might possibly be the rantings of an unhappy housewife. My first solution would be - go get a job. Tried that and failed miserably. Then I confided in some friends and they questioned my sanity. Okay - okay, I am stalling.
I am mormon. I hail from converts of the church whose lives where pretty screwed up long before I ever came along. My mother, may she rest in peace, was raised by her petty father after her mother died at age 11. She was beaten, treated badly by her siblings, and pregnant by the age of 17. After 2 abusive and failed marriages, she ran away with her 3 boys to the opposite side of the country. There she connected with a loser who subsequently sexually assaulted her boys. When she was told the truth - he quickly was sent to prison and she looked for light in her life. She met the LDS missionaries and joined the church. They helped her out of the orange groves and into a small apartment where she could care for her children. She met my dad at a singles activity.
My father was raised by the "Black Snake" of his aggressive father and a passive-aggressive mother. He married his first girl friend - who was pregnant, was introduced to the church by his employer, and eventually gained custody of his 2 daughters after their mother walked out on them. He met my mom at a singles activity.
Why is this important? Because it sets the stage of what will happen in the lives of my siblings and myself. From the oldest to the youngest, none of us escaped unscarred. Once my parents married they had 4 more children. The experiences of the first set are completely different from the second set of children. Here is a countdown from the first. The oldest was killed at the age of 17 while running away from a mental hospital. The second was assaulted by the loser multiple times. The third was assaulted as well and as a teenager turned to alcohol and drugs. The fourth was assaulted by the second and third then blamed by her stepmother. The fifth clung to her dad for safety, not sure what happened. The sixth became the golden boy of the family. The seventh became the scapegoat. The eighth was ignored or teased. The ninth became withdrawn and turned to the computer for validation.
Times have changed and we have all grown into adults with our own families. Still wondering how things are now? 5 years ago my parents divorced. The complications that arose from this are still problematic, but much easier to handle. The family split apart during the last five years where nobody talked to anybody. I have been married for 6 years. It wasn't until just recently that we started communicating with each other. Since my parents went at it again, and us children stood up together and said we had had enough. We settled the conflict, and then a few months later my mother passed away due to heart complications. The last week of her life was spent helping me sort out my life since I had just left my husband due to serious addictions.
I guess that is enough background to explain that I was raised amidst neglect and abuse of every kind. Of all my siblings, I seem to have retained the most damage. I was physically abused up until I was a teenager, then emotionally and verbally abused until recently. I always thought I had the best relationship with my mom, until something happened and I realized I was the most manipulated by her. Co-dependant that's me. I am the type of person who remembers details about everything. When my neices or nephews ask questions of my siblings' childhood they are referred to me to get the scoop. I like to read, compete in academics, and learn the gospel. I did well in high school, enough to earn scholarships for college. I graduated with a teaching degree and taught in the high schools for five years - an occupation that did not please my mother at all. I completed a mission for my church - which was the best 18 mos of my life with no family involvment at all. I would have nightmares that I went home early and could not remember how things completed themselves. The best time of my life was when I was living on my own - completely on my own. No one to answer to, no one to complicate my life, and all the room on my bed that I could want. I remember those glorious days of sleeping in the middle of the bed. Waking up when I couldn't sleep around 3a.m. and sleeping when I was tired around 9 a.m. This was summer vacation of course, but it was wonderful!
Well duty calls - which means I have to go put the babies back to bed. So until next time - remember that summer vacation always ends.
